Right now we should be having sex. My legs wrapped around you pulling you closer, my hands pressing against the headboard so I wouldn’t move when you thrust into me. I’d tell you to hit me harder. You’d do as you were told.
It wouldn’t have been the first time we had sex today. You know that as well as I do.
We would have talked shop, ripped the piss & laughed a lot. A quiet comfortableness between us. Kind of like we’d known each other forever. We gelled like friends but fucked like more than that.
I hadn’t decided between the naked pizza party I suggested or spaghetti bolognese… I make a mean spaghetti bolognese. Most likely, I would have let you choose.
You never showed up though. You knew you wouldn’t. I knew you wouldn’t. We both wanted it to happen but it was never going to. It was easier for you to agree in the moment and pull out later.
I learned a while ago that alcohol leaves you caring less about the ramifications. It also makes it easier to express yourself. (Yes, scientists have actually studied it) That’s why we send the texts we shouldn’t or invite each other to bed.
I don’t mean this in a bad way. But I like you much better when you’re drunk. You’re less structured. You answer the questions. I get to see the real you.
Sober you? Not so much.
You’re your own worst enemy. Your mind telling you all the reasons you shouldn’t, something else telling you “you should”. You weren’t lying when you said you avoid the truth.
But, you see, I don’t. I have the strength that is vulnerability. I’ve learned to own myself and my emotions. I make my own decisions. Nobody has the power to dictate my choices.
So I walked away. I left a trail lest you follow me. My last dribble of hope. True to form you let me down.
I’ve tried to walk away before. You always stopped me. I knew this was coming. I knew a decision had to be made.
I had made mine. I wanted to try. To explore and delve. To see. Your inability to… to what? Decide? Stand by your decisions? stopped all that.
And then the race began. Who would pluck up the courage first? You to make the decision to meet me, or me the courage to walk away.
No one has ever been given what you got from me. It’s not that I don’t do that with guys, it’s just rarely they’re the type I want to do those things with.
So I walked away. Two days before you had the chance to upset me. I made the decision. I upset myself.
The truth is, I’m my own knight in shining armour.
I know you see my value, I know you see my worth. I’ll never really understand what exactly stopped you.
But I do know this.
You’ll do well in life, whatever path you decide to take. But I will always play in the back of your mind.
I’m (officially) your one that got away.